Monday, October 5, 2009

Wanted: The Straight Guy Closet Case

A ruthless Trekkie. High attraction to nonwhite girls - even and especially if they have blue or green skin, use a golden staff, can fire a plasma blaster accurately and read your mind. Suffers from the unrequited love of pale and malnourished anime girls with pink hair, loosened ties, tiny skirts and whopping tits - but dislikes talking about actually "doing it" with women. His wrists and hands are the only muscles that receive exercise (due to rapid joystick movements late at night in front of the computer); he may look normal and fit when facing him, but when viewed from the side his surprise rotund belly makes him look like a Who. Typically quiet but will laugh loudly (if nervously) when the right Star Wars reference is made. Indecisive. Needs to roll a twenty-sided dice to choose what to eat, what to wear, and what to do with his meager paycheck. Walks like a dinosaur and has a sauce stain on his shirt. Often red in the face but not from yelling or exercise. Owns wooden samurai swords. Rarely leaves his house or apartment except for a Beto's run or to pick up the newest game on the Top Ten list. He wears his socks too high.

I'm looking for a model for my photoshoot. I will use incredible lighting and color. Photoshop will clear your blemishes and whiten your teeth. The photos will be posted in sororities and on the "women for men" section of Craigslist. Pay negotiable.

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