The Hottest Thing Since Abbey Road

So this week, some very key items finally arrived in my mailbox. First, my director's cut graphic novel for my favorite movie of all time, The Fountain. Second, a book I've been looking forward to read recommended by our dear Miss Spinn from her native Norway, entitled Naive. Super and translated into English.

There were two more: a couple of Zippo lighters. I've been learning how to do some Zippo tricks. At this point, I can:

• breath fire - don't panic
  
• make fireballs (in a controlled environment - again, don't panic)
  
• take the flame away from the wick, hold it in my hand, then snap it back.

They're both black. One of them has the Japanese kanji symbol for the word "love" on the front, the other has a white silhouette of the Beatles album Abbey Road. My Japanese Zippo, unfortunately, is getting shipped back to the factory next week. Wanna know why?

I read on the internet and heard from someone (probably a moron) that I need to use butane. Which didn't quite make sense, since butane is a gas and the lighter is a wick, so....one would assume it needs fuel, but I was being stupid. I made a foolish choice and went to sell my soul to that devil known as Wal-Mart. Nothing good has EVER happened from me going to Wal-Mart, and tonight was about to prove it. So I get the butane, only 98 cents, figure maybe Wal-Mart is about to redeem itself. I get back to my apartment and start pumping it into my Japanese lighter, and the whole thing starts to get encased with this layer of strange-smelling ice.

(All you proud graduates of Zack Knappenberger's class are already laughing at what will happen next.)

I hit the switch. Nothing happens. I hit it again. Nothing happens. I hit it once more. The whole thing, case and all, erupts into a burning ball of fire that starts to consume my hand. I drop it on my desk and it starts to light the desk. I blow, slam, and stop the flames.

And then I promise myself out loud that I am never, ever gonna set foot within one hundred feet of Wal-Mart again. Karma has never been so bad.