"Veritas" (Winter's End '07)

"This is a world you'll never understand--"

What choice doest Thou expect of me?
Why am I here?
What is innocence?
What do I fear?
Did I fear earth life?
He already knows what choice I am going to make. So why does it matter?

"Because you didn't come here to make the choice. You're here to understand why you made the choice.
"...And you'll always fear what you don't understand."

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The only way a heart can be complete is if it has passion.

Passion is strength. It is drive, desire--motivation, inspiration. A heart is only whole if there is a passion.

It's kinda strange, but you'll find that there are as many different passions as there are people. Some people have a desire to never be forgotten. Some people always want justice. Some want to do the right thing. You'll find that, in general, everyone want to always do the best he or she knows how.

But what's funny about that is, one may find that by reversing those passions, there is an underlying theme. Those who are driven by a want to be remembered are afraid of being forgotten. Those who are driven by a sense of justice are afraid of injustice. Those who are driven by doing the right thing are afraid of punishment.

If we were to take the same generalization as we did earlier, then this means that most people are driven by being afraid of failure.

So...in other words, it would seem that for the hearts of many, the strongest passion is the greatest fear.

Is that pathetic, or weird? No, it's just interesting.

My heart has never felt complete. I have never felt whole. Only a couple times in my whole life has light so illuminated my soul that for a time it actually completed my heart. Both times, it was Christ. I have let either darkness or light fill that gaping hole in my heart for the longest time. And unfortunately, most of the time it's been the darkness. Kinda funny, how most folks are afraid of the dark.

"...The world's made of light and darkness. You can't have one without the other, 'cause darkness is half of everything. Sorta makes ya wonder why we are scared of the dark."
"It's because of who's lurking inside it."

About a year and a half ago (the seasons "Chain of Memories" and "Where Angels Fall"), I came to the conclusion that I was reluctant to come to earth, and that my biggest fear was pain. Then this last winter ("Jericho Road"), I came to believe that my biggest fear was dying, and being dead. So when I tried to make that apply, I found that I was very insecure inside. I'm afraid of making the choice to move on in life with my darkness, struggling with it from day to day...or overcome it. Why is it that some have to live with it, and some overcome it? I didn't get it. I found out that I don't like to make choices to "be good" because I don't think I deserve to be happy, and I don't understand myself well enough to be secure with myself. I don't trust myself to "stay good" for very long. Was I driven by this sense of fearing myself? And what choice was I meant to make?

"A man who isn't afraid of death, aint afraid of anything."

Then one day I realized something. I am not afraid of "being dead" as much as I am afraid of the means of dying. I'm afraid of needles, car crashes, steep heights, and anything else that spells "long, painful death." I'm also kinda lazy and don't take initiatives to change myself. So I am afraid of pain, just as I always thought.

Except...Why are we here? To evolve, to change. To grow. And the only way to grow is to experience pain. There is always going to be pain in order to be stronger. Life is all about suffering to bring about joy. The Savior suffered the greatest kind of pain in order to bring about eternal life for everybody.

So, I guess what I really found out was, I was never actually afraid of dying. I am really just afraid of living.

That is my personal truth. It's the one thing that I've found that explains how and why I act the way I do. Now that I have this truth, I have also learned that if the meaning of life is very important to you, then you probably fought very hard for it in the premortal life. Because without free choice, there is no meaning of life.

So I probably fought very hard for freedom. And in believing this, I realize that the choice I should make...should not be dependent on what I feel God expects of me. God doesn't want us to be constantly needy on Him. It's a question of what defines us. So my choices should be dependent on what makes me happy, knowing that if it's according to the will of God, that will be the happiest choice of all. I choose for me, and in choosing for me, God lets me be happy because I'm doing what He wants me to do. It's kinda hard to explain.

But this much I know: I can make whatever choice I want. I can be free again. And it's time to have a showdown with the dark. I want my freedom back. And when I understand pain, I will no longer fear it. And when I am not afraid to live, not afraid to live in Christ...I will be complete. I will be whole. I will be....

Alive. Truely alive.